What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

Even in war there should be lines you didn't cross.

The best way to find the opportunity in the future is to prepare yourself for it today.

One must learn the rules so one can break them properly.

A jest's prosperity lies in the ear Of him that hears it never in the tongue Of him that makes it.

Knowledge is the life of the mind.

God has ways of shaking the world when He is at work. He literally caused the ground to quake when Jesus died on the cross.

Health is not just a physical phenomenon. We do not just have physical bodies.

Society is an organism which obeys the immutable law of progress; and change, judicious and cautious change, is necessary for the well being, and indeed the preservation of the social system.

Too many things are occurring for even a big heart to hold.

So shows a snowy dove trooping with crows As yonder lady o'er her fellows shows.