What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Love itself is what is left over when being "in love" has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

The power within is strength of the spirit.

I like to think that Henry James said his classic line, "A writer is someone on whom nothing is lost, " while looking for his glasses, and that they were on top of his head.

The gift of faith given to your children will last longer than any monetary gift.

NATO needs to adapt its strategy to meet new challenges

Those who always have a sense of appreciation and gratitude never reach an impasse in life.

It would be pretty impossible for us to separate our personal and professional lives, because so much of what we do comes from how we were raised and what we share and who we are.

What consoles one nowadays is not repentance but pleasure. Repentance is quite out of date.

The man realized that what counted was not where a person lived, but how a person lived.

It's okay to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don't point