What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

It is not always a problem finding the truth, it is however sometimes a problem accepting it.

I love revisions…We can’t go back and revise our lives, but being allowed to go back and revise what we have written comes closest.

America's over. Get out while you still can.

Our faith triumphant o'er our fears.

At the heart of our friendly or purely social relations there lurks a hostility momentarily cured but recurring in fits and starts.

The Sherpas play a very important role in most mountaineering expeditions, and in fact many of them lead along the ridges and up to the summit.

A rejection of the way a woman speaks is often a way of blaming or dismissing her without dealing with the content of what she is saying.

Last memory of my mother is her being dragged away

Love does nothing but make you weak! It turns you into an object of pity and derision-a mewling pathetic creature no more fit to live than a worm squirming on the pavement after a hard summer rain.

Freedom means self-fulfillment. It also means putting up with other people's irritating pursuit of the same. It means being confronted by disturbing images and ideas.