What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself?

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

The first and worst of all frauds is to cheat one's self. All sin is easy after that.

Good news doesn't necessarily have to be a positive thing. Bringing good news is imparting hope to one's fellow man.

The Afro-American experience is the only real culture that America has. Basically, every American tries to walk, talk, dress and behave like African Americans.

I have nothing to say, and I am saying it.

Every act of perception, is to some degree an act of creation, and every act of memory is to some degree an act of imagination.

Power said to the world, "You are mine." The world kept it prisoner on her throne. Love said to the world, "I am thine." The world gave it the freedom of her house.

Petty things don't bother me as much as they used to.

Dogs give us something just as we give something to them.

It is not living that matters, but living rightly.

We fancy we suffer from ingratitude, while in reality we suffer from self-love.