What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Even afterwards when you go through a scene and then step off, sometimes you need a minute to just decompress.

I think we live in a time where people are just insane on the subject of how they look.

Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something; in the absence of good grounds for belief, he will be satisfied with bad ones.

The small town smart set is deadly serious about its smartness.

Blog culture has a hard time digesting narratives, but it has an easy time digesting 'big ideas' pieces.

I'm not in the Shakespeare stakes. I have no ambition.

Once again you've put your keen and penetrating mind to the task and as usual come to the wrong conclusion!

I entertain for a living, and I entertain.

To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail.

Publish not men's secret faults, for by disgracing them you make yourself of no repute.