What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

It is nothing to die. It is frightful not to live.

Experiential truth comes by obedience.

The world is full of hopeful analogies and handsome, dubious eggs, called possibilities.

Owning a handgun doesn't make you armed any more than owning a guitar makes you a musician.

And, as long as you can make yourself go on choosing the pain over the relief, you can keep going.

The written word endures, the spoken word disappears

Sometimes I make stuff, and even I don't like it. There's something about it that I don't really like, or annoys me. For whatever reason it needs to come out.

Atheism can never be an institution ... it can never be more than a destitution.

When I first met Jack, I was terrified of him. I wasn't expecting a fun, laughing, enjoyable, exciting guy. I walked into his office like most people, with my knees knocking together. I was scared.

Romanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler