What if obese people couldn't get married?

My doctor said I had OCD. I couldn't believe it. I had to call him nine times to make sure.

If you're going to hit a car, try to be sure that it's not a cop car

Comedy is the most palliative way to make a point. People are more willing to listen if they can laugh.

The first time I did stand-up was on a dare.

Joan Rivers broke down barriers, advocated for free speech, and never apologized for who she was.

Halloween is an opportunity to be really creative.

We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.

I have a nice little house in LA. Well, the bedroom is nice. I have French doors in the bedroom. They don't open unless I lick them.

For me, humor is everything!

Mother humor is such a universal theme. I wrote a show called '25 Questions for a Jewish Mother.' I had people coming up to me after the show saying, 'I'm Baptist, and my mother is just like yours.'

Understand that you can’t achieve your dreams if you don’t connect with people who guide you to improve on upon the skills you have.

Democracy cannot be imposed on any nation from the outside. Each society must search for its own path, and no path is perfect.

The most hopeful thing in the stories, I hope, is wit. I make it up. If I make up a world in which we're ruled by big talking turds, it doesn't mean that we are. So you shouldn't feel depressed.

When today’s race is over, it's over. The only race that matters is the one coming up.

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

But when I stopped facing Sandy, I had to face Don Drysdale. No one on my team wanted to face him.

People make such a big deal about how people in bands look, especially if you're a girl.

Ek Main Aur Ek Tu was a very special film for me. Imran and we complement each other very well. He is sugar, and I am spice.

Tragedy isn't getting something, or failing to get it; it's losing something you already have.

If you are sure you are right, you need not worry what the world thinks.