What is a harp but an oversized cheese slicer with cultural pretensions?

It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.

There's an unseen force which lets birds know when you've just washed your car.

I used to like writing for comedians - I enjoyed the challenge of making other people funny.

If all the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players, where do all the audiences come from?

It's like your children talking about holidays, you find they have a quite different memory of it from you. Perhaps everything is not how it is, but how it's remembered.

And when you're on your own there is that terrifying possibility that you may be the only person on the planet who thinks it's funny - and you have no way of finding out.

If the laughter of the audience was malicious we wouldn't show it.

You know you're getting old when a four-letter word for something pleasurable two people can do in bed together is R-E-A-D.

Middle age is when, whenever you go on holiday, you pack a sweater.

A counter tenor is anyone who can count to ten.

May the energy of the day always call for celebration." Barbara Botch

When you're feeding the second coachload of tourists that day you aren't thinking about the birthday party for fifty next week.

No ideals. No illusions. Just reality - but more perfect than you’ve ever imagined. That’s what being mindful and living in the present means.

Someone ought to do it, but why should I? Someone ought to do it, so why not I? Between these two sentences lie whole centuries of moral evolution.

I worked in an art gallery for a few years, doing administrative assistance stuff, and it exposed me to what the whole world of art dealers and the art market was about.

People are always afraid of the unknown - and banding together against the Thing That Is Different From Us is a time-honoured tradition for rallying the masses.

I think it will always be around it just takes one person to make people aware of the blues.

Scotland's voice has to be heard

For as one star another far exceeds, So souls in heaven are placed by their deeds.

Every broken lunatic needed a theme song.