What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

The hardest thing in the world is to let go of who you once thought you were and to manifest your true self, at the risk of being unloved. This is self-actualization.

Life in Christ is far richer.

Go jogging? And get hit by a meteor?

People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring.

By thetest of our faith thehighest standard ofcivilization is the readiness to sacrifice for others.

I believe that for the past twenty years there has been a creeping socialism spreading in the United States.

Ricky Hatton ain't nothing but a fat man. I'm going to punch him in his beer belly when I see him.

When I was very young every grownup was a hero. It's been all downhill since then, and I have only two left.

I suppose we're not supposed to judge people.