What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

With some stories, you really can't rush things. And it's often best just to sit back and enjoy the journey for what it is.

The hardest thing for me is planning ahead. My mom was brilliant at it.

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

The gift of broadcasting is, without question, the lowest human capacity to which any man could attain.

All my trust in the politicians had been rubbed away.

I dress according to how I feel.

The name Reflect It Back comes from the idea of not only giving back but also seeing yourself in someone else.

Often Hollywood crews go into third world countries and I don't believe they behave well.

Perhaps we are given a mom that we might take into death the memory of a lullaby.