"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Sometimes the best virtue learned on the battlefield is modesty.

Knowledge of the investment is most profitable

Age should fly concourse, cover in retreat defects of judgment, and the will subdue; walk thoughtful on the silent, solemn shore of that vast ocean it must sail so soon.

I think we can lower our emissions. I think the world will be better off if we did that, and we can do it without cap and trade.

Be not discouraged. There is a future for you. . . . The resistance encountered now predicates hope. . .

I must confess, my Spanish is not so good - except I read a little, so I started with the English but then determined that it would have to be in Spanish.

There's no way to replicate a really great vocal sometimes.

I think if you have the compulsion to write, you're not going to feel whole until you start putting words on paper.

Architectural and product designs have a narrative capacity - you can start to tell a story about them and imagine a lot of things.

To be truly happy is a question of how we begin, and not how we end, of what we want and not what we have.