What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

But life does not consist of words.Life consists of reality.

If democracy is the voice of the people, then the AP is its stenographer.

Everyone is vulnerable in some places! To don't be such person, make sure that you don't have weak places!

When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers.

Honor the miraculousness of the ordinary.

I compare myself to a good barn. You can have a good barn, and if you paint it, it looks a little better. But if you take the paint off, it's still a good barn.

I love Boston and I always will. I'll always have terrific memories and great fans here.

The Republican Party is an empty vessel unless we imbue it with values.

Fishing is taking a huge toll on the planet's ecosystem.