What we do is a calling...we make people happy.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Or was he saying, "Hi! Wanna play?"And I did. Of course I did.

There can be no great courage where there is no confidence or assurance, and half the battle is in the conviction that we can do what we undertake.

don't make me regret this" I said, breathless. " You haven't regretted me once". He kissed me, and I answered so hungrily I thought my lips would bruise. Patch&Nora ( p. 180)

I've found there to be a tremendous amount of East Coast snobbery in the journalism world.

Forgetting oneself is opening oneself

Democracy alone, of all forms of government, enlists the full force of men's enlightened will.

The average estimate themselves by what they do, the above average by what they are.

Those who love wisdom must investigate many things

I love standing under a steaming shower when I'm tired in the morning. I don't really get a chance for baths.

I loved DreamWorks and Pixar, and I still love kids’ films...