What year did Jesus think it was?

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

Next time!" In what calendar are kept the records of those next times which never come?

The joy is in remembering

Things forbidden have a secret charm.

Why is the place where I want to be so often so far from where I am?

To say I'm ignorant only proves your ignorance.

it doesn t matter if it takes a long time getting there; the point is to have a destination.

If you were seeing a lot of horseshit, there had to be a pony in the vicinity.

That's something that is almost accidental at the beginning of a career, but the more you write, the more trained you are to recognize the little signals.

The worst thing you can do is nothing.

Great bodies of people are never responsible for what they do.