When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Yes, all you need do is to change your orientation and have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ that He can make you whole, change your status, and add value to your destiny.

The final result of our researches has widened the class of substances sensitive to light vibrations, until we can propound the fact of such sensitiveness being a general property of all matter.

Americans don't win. Our country doesn't win. We don't win at trade. We don't win. We can't beat ISIS.

Expect only 5% of an intelligence report to be accurate.The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%.

As long as you put on a jersey, no matter what kind of jersey it is, as long as you're supporting the game of basketball, I enjoy it.

I am older and have more control over my empathy,' said Qwan. 'That's why I didn't throw up.' And having said that, he threw up.

John Conyers' office has been very responsive to citizen concerns and the Internet has presented a way to communicate with them in a way that's never before been there.

I like to read the ending first.

To mothers who are raising their children without a father in the home, I promise you that as you speak of Jesus Christ, you will feel the power of heaven blessing you.

Everywhere there is inequality, everywhere there is division, and I worry about it. I think everybody does.