When Hailey was born my first thought was that I needed a drink and that hospitals should have bars in them.

In short? It is exhausting being me. Pretending to be normal is draining and requires amazing amounts of energy and Xanax.

Because you are defined not by life's imperfect moments, but by your reaction to them. And because there is joy in embracing - rather than running from - the utter absurdity of life.

[On acupuncture:] The needles are small and won't hurt at all. In fact, they'll feel good. Ha, ha! Just kidding. They feel like needles. Because they are.

Every time I get scared or feel like I'm not going to be good enough at something, I say that mantra to myself. "Pretend you're good at it."

So many of us feel like we're misfits until we finally find our tribe - the other people who are are strange in the same way - and suddenly everything clicks.

It’s amazing how much you’re missing in a depressive state until you start to come out on the other side. It’s like breathing again after being underwater for far too long.

But really, what else are you going to talk about in line at the liquor store? Childhood trauma seems like the natural choice, since it’s the reason why most of us are in line there to begin with.

If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both.

High School Is Life’s Way of Giving You a Record Low to Judge the Rest of Your Life By)

Meanwhile, I was doodling pictures of vampiric cougars.

Perception is never purely in the present - it has to draw on experience of the past.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh or surprises anyone, but this is where we are. If you want the outcome to be different, you will have to do something about it.

No one ever regarded the First of January with indifference. It is that from which all date their time, and count upon what is left. It is the nativity of our common Adam.

Enlightened beings are rare in the universe. They are the joker in the deck. They are outside the circle.

The purpose of punishment is to improve those who do the punishing--that is the final recourse of those who support punishment.

I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

In the final measure, nothing speaks like deeds

I guess God has a sense of humor, when he had a man that wanted to start his life as a priest, end up marrying a preacher.

Activists measure progress against the standard of perfection, or at least the most perfect possible choice. Historians gauge progress against what came before it.

I'm a bit of an M&M nut. I like the blue ones. I pick them out.