When I began doing stand-up, it took me a long time to get an hour's worth of material together.

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

I have a wandering eye and a lazy eye so they cancel each other out. It's a push.

Breaking News: Winds so strong in NYC The Statue of Liberty's gown just blew off!

I think the education system is great just the way it is. There's kids in my neighborhood in Los Angeles, seven years old, that can already speak fluent Spanish.

If people can't deal with their problems, they numb themselves a little bit.

I became a vegetarian after I became aware of factory farming and slaughterhouses and the torture and inhumane handling of all these animals.

Every homeless puppy and kitten was born to parents who weren't spayed or neutered. I'm proud to support PETA's work to prevent animal homelessness.

You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the person you're with.

I'm on a strict running program. I started yesterday. I've only missed one day so far.

Never wear a red t-shirt to Target. I enjoy helping people, but not every two minutes.

Who's to know what makes a bird wake up and decide to change its song? It was written that our world would change and it changed.

Success only comes to who is seeking every moment towards it

For me a house or an apartment becomes a home when you add one set of four legs, a happy tail, and that indescribable measure of love that we call a dog.

The thing is that as you grow through life, the pursuit of art and the pursuit of new ideas, all these things keeps your mind elastic.

Compared with my life Cinderella was a spoiled brat.

I knew Linda Cardellini from when we did ER together - she was always great, such a cool spirit.

We thought, you know, this will just be kind of low-key. And no one will ever know we're here, and we're tucked back in.

We had given it a name, a substance, and somehow, in doing that, we had condemned ourselves.

If the book is true, it will find an audience that is meant to read it.

That means that the universe is two-dimensional. Matter, energy, time, you, me and the floor are holograms.