When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Each mistake teaches you something new about yourself. There is no failure, remember, except in no longer trying. It is the courage to continue that counts.

Grace is the seed of glory, the dawning of glory in the heart, and therefore grace is the earnest of the future inheritance.

Vice is nice, but a little virtue won't hurt you.

I think you would like Warren. He drinks Courvoisier in a Coke can, and has a laugh like you'd find in a cartoon bubble.

Most leaders are indispensable, but to produce a major social change, many ordinary people must also be involved.

Everything I wear is a do and everything else is a don't!

The charm of knowledge would be small indeed, were it not that there is so much shame to be overcome on the way to it.

Even though I don't necessarily believe in everything that's supernatural, I like being scared and I like things that are suspenseful.

Liberalism is a disease cured only by a lobotomy or 90 days in a third world country.

If you want others to follow, learn to be alone with your thoughts.