When I exhale, I just turn right into Louie Anderson.

I don't expect success. I prepare for it.

Are you stalking me? Because that would be super.

I dragged my wife from our honeymoon in Africa and landed her in Ontario, Canada, when it was -40 degrees.

Laughing can serve you in dark moments and even help you crawl your way back out.

Everyone thinks their baby is a genius. People find it delightfully refreshing when I tell them, My baby? Totally average. Like, 100 percent average.

I just love bikes. It's not the safest passion to have, but I guess it's better than Russian roulette.

There are so few surprises left in life. We've gotten so addicted to knowing. It's the Google generation. We want the answer to everything right now!

If it weren’t so off-putting for my co-workers. I’d wear my flannel, one-piece 'Hannah Montana' pajamas, like, all the time!

I've done things to my body, mechanically, that I'll never do again. I've done stunts that I shouldn't have done 10, 11, 12 times. I've broken a ton of bones on sets.

Guys are lucky: We can wear a suit over and over, just with different shirts and ties.

Just as the ocean is waving so each one of us is a waving of the whole cosmos, the entire works, all there is.

I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.

Take a look at the world and laugh

In the World Series, when a pitcher's not doing his job, they put another one in that can.

So the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection.

I'm not shy about wearing a lot of makeup! But when I don't have to be done up, I just use a bit of concealer and maybe some lip balm.

Building Oracle is like doing math puzzles as a kid.

Despite the reams of paperwork, obstacles worthy of a horse show, and a wait that can rival an elephant's gestation, adoption feels no different on the inside.

She doesn’t want me to own her. (Dante) Well, the Simi doesn’t understand that. Owning’s not so bad. I own akri and he kind of fun. (Simi)