When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

moving on means we have to protect ourselves.

Coping with the demands of everyday life would be exceedingly trying if one could arrive at solutions to problems only by actually performing possible options and suffering the consequences.

Somehow, it was so happy a time. Those early days of comedy are when you get addicted to it.

You can make up a quarrel, but it will always show where it was patched.

We must have the attitude that every child in America - regardless of where they're raised or how they're born - can learn.

If you are attached to the things of this earth, you should give alms sufficient to enable you to punish your avarice by depriving yourself of all that is not absolutely necessary for life.

I hope that the truth shall eventually give me back my freedom.

Selecting a challenge and meeting it creates a sense of self-empowerment that becomes the ground for further successful challenges.

I was praying about what I needed to teach. I felt it wasn't time to move out of the theme of Romans, which is salvation by grace through faith.