When I go to my live shows it's often a multigenerational audience, a family bonding experience.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

People will change their habits quickly IF they have a strong reason for doing so.

Refugees are going to continue to come, and the only question is what we are going to do to help them.

I don't know if ghouls are allowed to live either. But there has to be a reason we exist.

You know, Salma Hayek is a great cook, and she's a friend.. She's an amazing cook. If she opened up a restaurant, I would so get in on the coattails.

Orson Welles was one of these people who was defying everything the doctors told him he wasn't supposed to be doing. He was really enjoying himself when he was eating what he wanted to eat.

I'm a straight shooter, and most of the time my ego doesn't interrupt my relationships.

Other than the fact that I like a country house, I can't think of anything I'd want to spend my money on.

Perpetual prosperity comes to those who help others.

To be creative you actually have to do something.

People think I'm an overnight success. No. It's just that you all found me overnight.