When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

If one attains only the faith in the Self, he will not experience fear anywhere at all, fear will go away.

Yesterday is but to-day’s memory and to-morrow is to-day’s dream.

You may have the greatest vision, plans or goals as you may term it. You can call it Vison 2020, Vision 2045 or whatever. But remember, not work is done unless a distance is covered!

I think my Buddhist practice has a profound influence on my life and encompasses my creative projects

I don't sleep well. I rehash everything in bed. The mind's still working.

People are drooling for the truth. They want honesty from politicians, and they're not getting it.

Guard your good mood.

The preachers are the greatest problem in the United States of America.

Listen, I don't know anything about polygraphs and I don't know how accurate they are, but I know they'll scare the hell out of people.

I've never been any good with authority.