When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.

The best things in life aren't things.

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

The things that matter most are not things.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

I stare at her for a long moment. I want to kiss her. I want to kiss her more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.

If you know what life really wants, and if you know what you really want, you can begin to create the relationship.

Love is all right, as things go, but lovers can be a terrible waste of a girl's time.

I'm not a very good lover. I'm so nervous about my sexuality.

Other dogs bite only their enemies, whereas I bite also my friends in order to save them.

Get ticked and get going.

Property crime is down 40 percent. We just don't want to see it creep back up. We've had 25 years of very good cooperation.

Sculptors are obliged to follow the manners of the painters, and to make many ample folds, which are unsufferable hardness, and more like a rock than a natural garment.

One eye witness is better than ten hear sayers.

There isn't a tree to hang a man, water to drown a man nor soil to bury a man