When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Walking on water is easy if you know where to step.

For what we think and feel and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and our viscera.

To all the women and the men who ever loved me just a little.

The phone was her worst enemy and her best friend but she never knew which until she answered it.

There are relatively few role models for young people. We are in a society that is ruled by men.

The finest all-around performer we ever had in America was Judy Garland. There was no limit to her talent. She was the quickest, brightest person I ever worked with.

No way. I'm not going in there. I draw the line at grave-robbing, Barrons. It's not your pen.

I believe in a man and a woman being equal. I really believe that we can do anything we set our minds to.

One should see any opportunity to serve as a rare and precious gift...and never waste such an opportunity.

We take comfort, however, that mystery is not a synonym for contradiction.