When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

You're sure?' I asked. 'I mean, the Lord of the Sword is great. But you could also be, I don't know, the Slammer of the Hammer'.

...there is nothing so dangerous in its consequences as injustice to individuals- whether it arise from prejudice of color or from any other source

After this time I surpassed all others in authority, but I had no more power than the others who were also my colleagues in office.

I met Picasso when I was a kid. I turned one of his drawings down which would be worth £37 million now. My dad wouldn't talk to me for a fortnight.

One Sunday morning the warm sun came up and - pop! - out of the egg came a tiny and very hungry caterpillar.

We can all pretend to be cynical and scheming, but when we’re faced with purity and innocence, the cynical mask drops off.

The Grecian ladies counted their age from their marriage, not their birth.

In fact, almost every job you get somebody watching you.

It is suicidal for other runners to copy my hill sessions without adequate background.

You see somebody rapping and you're like, "Nah, my cousin can do that." You're spoiled by the experience. Overseas, it's still something that people can appreciate.