When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

But I know he loves me. I know he needs our games, that they answer some deep-seated hunger in him.

I saw Sonora before me, so otherworldly, so desolate, some cast-out mistress on the pale blue planet, and longed suddenly to stay.

I think people should be angry at things that are worthy of anger. Injustice is outrageous and deserves outrage.

All that we do is done with an eye to something else.

The nepotism there is the stuff of legend... It just seems to be a place where people get paid to sit in a building.

There are plenty of brilliant people who are too stressed out to read challenging literary novels.

The same way that you are the main character of your story, you are only a secondary character in everybody else’s story.

The youth of India has the strength to move the entire World with a click of a mouse, we have generated that ability!

Everybody's seen a stream or a wood they knew replaced by a strip mall.