When I made 'Sleepwalk with Me,' many people asked me if was a novelty thing, a one-off. But this is the goal, I'm just hitting it 12 years after I thought I would.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

A smile has a magical power

a friend is someone who, when you make a mistake reminds you that you will, forever after, be a kinder person because of it...

Ah, but when one predator leaves, another inevitably will take its place. A void never remains a void for long.

A heroic moral victory for the New York Mets. It may be the only kind of victory we're achieving this season, but he set a good example for professional athletes and the rest of us.

In the street, your mouth's a beak, big like a bird, and your future's bleak.

I don't mind not being cool; I wear a cardigan.

Do not expect God always to give you His thrilling minutes, but learn to live in the domain of drudgery by the power of God.

The anxiety I feel when I'm late is nothing like the anxiety I feel when I'm on time.

Delay not till tomorrow to be wise; tomorrow's sun to thee may neve rise.

Why did God make so many dumb fools and Democrats?