When I play poker, I don't like losing the pot.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

I like to prowl ordinary placesand taste the people-from a distance.

I saw you, and I wanted to be close to you. I wanted you to let me in. I wanted to know you in a way no one else did. I wanted you, all of you.

Something I really enjoy about older couples is that they really have given up on getting everything right. They don't sweat the imperfections.

A hero is merely a man never afraid of being called to heaven because he is certain he has done his duty, Nicholas." -Admiral Lord Nelson (fictional)

You can't be everything for another person.

Sociology, the guilty science, functions best by alarm.

The single life is not one I willingly chose for myself.

I needed it to have experiences I could write about. I thought I was someone who had nothing to say.

Power posing! I do it before any appearance and recommend it to everyone. Gold!

A spiritual person tries less to be godly than to be deeply human.