When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

Don´t make people feel necessarily happy. Make them feel useful.

We're having a little disagreement. What I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no-expense-spared reception and what he wants is to break off our engagement.

Jesus that I know as my Redeemer cannot be less than God

The social damage was not in the failure but in the undertaking, which was expensive. The cost of war was the poison running through the 14th century.

A lot of it revolves around food with me because a lot of my life does in a way.

If you want to succeed in politics you must keep your conscience firmly under control.

If in many of my productions terror has been the thesis, I maintain that terror is not of Germany, but of the soul.

Beloved, it is not our long prayers but our believing God that gets the answer.

It never stops me from saying what I want to say about Ethiopia, the fact that a tour company is paid for me to go there. Book reviewers don't pay for the books they review.

Self-disciplin e is necessary, but so is playfulness, flexibility, joy. When you stop demanding perfection of yourself, your writing desk will become a spacious place.