When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

A professional writer is an amateur who didn't quit.

Brotherly love should be our number one principle as believers

I wanted to protect her, and, if I couldn’t do that, I’d at least be there for her. (Eric)

With a great poet the sense of Beauty overcomes every other consideration, or rather obliterates all consideration.

Nothing really known can continue to be acutely fascinating.

I used to get nervous about three weeks before a gig... now I've managed to condense it down to a manageable ten minutes.

The man who spends all his time looking up to heaven is not always the best; in fact, he is usually the worst.

The purpose of life is undoubtedly to know oneself. We cannot do it unless we learn to identify ourselves with all that lives. The sum-total of that life is God.

And I make no apology for linking my thinking with computer technology.

The problem is that taxes aren’t used efficiently.