When I say 'serve you better,' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Our attitude is more honest and more consistent than our words.

Comedy. I think that's something I'd really like to do.

We live thinking we will never die, We die thinking we have never lived

Any body of men who believe in hell will persecute whenever they have the power.

The word of God is more than enough for the people of God to live their lives to the glory of God

What is needed today is for all of us to work to change the world's mind about God.

I took a huge risk leaving baseball, because I was predicted to play in the big leagues. I'm kind of a prototypical second baseman.

I'm John Lee Hooker in the sense that he was a blues man and he played blues his whole life. I'm a rock guy and I'm going to play rock music my whole life.

Choice is the only tool we have that enables us to go from who we are today to who we want to be tomorrow.

I think that the joke and the ghost story both have a similar set up in that you kind of set something up and pay it off with a laugh or a scare.