When I stand before God at the end of my life I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say "I used everything you gave me."

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

One of the greatest tragedies of our time, is this impression that has been created that science and religion have to be at war

Quit acting like everything is so serious. Most situations aren’t as bad as you fear, and those that are might benefit from a little laughter.

Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right.

Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion.

At an early age, my mother gave me this feeling that anything is possible, and I believe that.

I like to get the audiences cozy in their seats, feeling safe, and suddenly they'll be shocked out of their minds.

No one ever explained the octopuses.

If you plan to read one book this year I encourage you to consider, Find Your Reason to Be Here.

Whether elected or appointed he considers himself the Lord's anointed, and indeed the ointment lingers on him so thick you can't get your fingers on him.

Pride destroys all symmetry and grace, and affectation is a more terrible enemy to fine faces than the small-pox.