When I started in Canada, I just did stand-up.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

The health effects of air pollution imperil human lives. This fact is well-documented.

Anger is a wind which blows out the lamp of the mind.

Life, after all, should go forwards, not backwards.

I am relieved. May I now have the truth?

Don't expect to make a living on it. Be able to hammer a nail or do retail, doing your music on the side!

Loyalty to the leader reaches its highest peak when the follower has personally grown through the mentorship of the leader.

There's something very special about knowing what you want to do and knowing the story you want to tell, but finding it together.

Any fool knows men and women think differently at times, but the biggest difference is this. Men forget, but never forgive; women forgive, but never forget.

Here in L.A. the standard of beauty is kind of ridiculous. I want to be doing this when I'm in my fifties and sixties and this isn't what I'm going to look like.

Cleaniness is the cornerstone of discipline and the trademark of success