When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

A goal is a written plan.Write your dreams and visions.

The most necessary disposition to relish pleasures is to know how to be without them.

It is true, that all married men have their own way, but the trouble is they don't all have their own way of having it.

If you get into the area of judging the character you're playing you're getting into a sticky area.

So a lot of me is still a little kid, and I think that kind of helps alter my sense of reality - it makes me able to just become Belle every single night.

Downsizing trends and the changing global market require people to reinvent themselves and think like entrepreneurs.

My main influences have always been the classic jazz players who sang, like Louis Armstrong and Nat King Cole and Jack Teagarden.

However strenuously the world pulls us apart, however long the absence, we are not changed for being dashed upon the rocks. I knew you then, I know you now, I shall know you again when you come home.

Sometimes I say some things people may think are just outlandish, but I'm going to have the last laugh.