When I was a kid I did impressions and funny voices a lot. When I was telling a story I would use the voices to make it more entertaining.

I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I could've had a piece of cake tonight.

There's 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There's big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn.

Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?

I drink diet coke so I can eat regular cake.

Me racist? The only race I hate is the one you have to run.

Life is measured by how you lived it, not by the years.

With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don't have one for common sense?

When you go to Hawaii, it's all about "Aloha." It means hello, goodbye and I love you.

You live by the cake, you die by the cake.

I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.

With an enthusiastic team you can achieve almost anything.

Don't let fear rule your life. Live one day at a time, and never be afraid.

Is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you in a theatre?

You'd let the whole world perish rather than soil that immaculate self of yours with a single spot of which you'd have to be ashamed.

Learning is a gift, even if pain is the teacher

Negativity drove me out of politics in the mid-Nineties.

Theology is the science of the divine lie.

It is a huge honour to be recognised as the world's best commentator, particularly against so many sporting greats.

The best thing to break is a contract.

Unnatural deeds do breed unnatural troubles.