When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Faith activates inner strength and universal power to help you in your endeavors.

I think that as soon as you think of yourself as a famous person or anything like that, you're objectifying yourself in some weird way.

You can't change people, but most importantly, unless you're their momma, you don't even know what's best for them.

The first and last frosts are the worst.

When you put yourself in environments that continually test you, that's where all the good stories come from. That's where the jokes come from is from the shitty parts.

I'm conservative. I was raised conservative, and that's the way I will vote.

Don't get too excited when I am winning, and don't get too depressed when I am losing. Just keep it cool.

Success doesn’t count unless you earn it fair and square.

People have this obsession. They want you to be like you were in 1969. They want you to, because otherwise their youth goes with you. It's very selfish, but it's understandable.

A wealthy traveller fears an ambush, while one with empty pockets journeys on in safety.