When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

The secret is that when you've been pitched head first into hell you just write about it

Famine and unemployment are the raw material for dictatorships.

Stories aren't about things. Stories are things. Stories aren't about actions. Stories are, unto themselves, actions.

Set a goal, write it down, and release the outcome. Small steps make a big difference.

When I do it [writing] by myself, there's a lot more terror and uncertainty.

Let's say financially. Financially, I personally believe that you should have enough to do the assignment that you feel is part of your life. And whatever that is to do, you're going to need.

The secret of life is getting today right. Everyone can get today right, and if you can do it once you can do it repeatedly.

I think I've paid my dues. I've really put in a lot of time on set.

The country is groaning and moaning and screaming for change.

Lovers and madmen have such seething brains Such shaping fantasies, that apprehend More than cool reason ever comprehends.