When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord in his wisdom didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Things that are truly great need nothing from me, and to somehow think that they do speaks to my utter lack of greatness.

Reading is the spark to imagination. Ignite yours and live forever free.

Wounds may heal, but the scars remain.

Be satisfied and pleased with what thou art Act cheerfully and well thy allotted part Enjoy the present hour be thankful for the past And neither fear nor wish the approaches of the last.

Here's a six-foot-ten guy in sneakers and the lady's asking me, 'Profession?'

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

I am tired of being in an industry that doesn't appreciate me.

I have so many songs, it's ridiculous. I love so many different types of music and tend to write all over the map, style-wise. R&B, rock 'n' roll, screamers, pop, good-time songs.

If I can wheedle A knife or a needle, Why not a Silver Churn?