When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

It is what you do about the fear you feel that sets you apart, to be a coward or a courageous person.

Build it and they will come' is one of the most idiotic ideas conceived by man.

When life follows the course of our desires, it is easy to be swept along without thought.

At the beginning and the middle and the end of all things, there is only the perfection of enlightenment that is nirvana.

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss voter fraud.

Monkeys who very sensibly refrain from speech, lest they should be set to earn their livings.

The ear in man and beast is an evidence of blood and high breeding.

We left no doubt that we are one heartbeat And something like that is pretty hard to stop Once it gets going

It is our very search for perfection outside of ourselves that causes suffering.

I wouldn't make a connection between the daily news and volcanoes.