When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

The great source of both the misery and disorders of human life, seems to arise from over-rating the difference between one permanent situation and another...

We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.

Yes sir, I am a tortured man for all seasons, as they say, and I have powerful friends in high places. Birds sing where I walk, and children smile when they see me coming.

Divorce is never easy, but it’s even more painful when you find out your husband is having an affair with a beautiful model fifteen years younger than you.

Changes in my personal life are nerve-racking for me.

The masses need something that will give them a thrill of horror.

One can never change the past, only the hold it has on you, and while nothing in your life is reversible, you can reverse it nevertheless.

There are absolutely no problems between me, my dad and my sister. Obviously I grew up with just my mum, but my relationship with my dad is just fine.

I'm not sure a world run by women would be any better. They're human beings!

Beware the beast, but enjoy the feast he offers.