When I was being bullied, I had to learn not to judge myself by the opinions of intolerant morons. Then I felt much better.

What do you call a comedian who runs for president? A trump card.

Trump appeals to right-wingnuts because when the going gets tough, they wig out.

Did evangelical Christians mistake Donald Trump's hairpiece for a halo, while ignoring the obvious signs that he worships Mammon?

Donald Trump has taken the Peter Principle to unprecedented heights. Or is it depths?

If brevity is the soul of wit then brevity and levity are the whole of it.

It's not that every leaf must finally fall, it's just that we can never catch them all.

Trump appeals to the disaffected by loudly trumpet-ing what they want to hear: other people are always the problem, and the solution is to either put them in their proper place or get rid of them.

Many presidents have believed in God, but Donald Trump evidently believes that he is God.

Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.

It's simply not true that Donald Trump has no experience in foreign affairs. Hell, two of his foreign affairs resulted in marriages!

No one alive today has a single ancestor in his or her past who died in infancy. We are the champions, my friend!

I began writing about power because I had so little.

Plantations of good morals are easily captivated, colonized and corrupted by the pests of a bad company. Spray away bad companies and you will experience a bumper harvest of your dream fruits!

I'm a misunderstood genius.""What's misunderstood?""Nobody thinks I'm a genius.

You always nag the one you love

A man who has work that suits him and a wife, whom he loves, has squared his accounts with life.

There is enough sin in my best prayer to send the whole world to Hell.

It is a lot harder to put something back together than to keep it running.

The flag still stands for freedom and they can't take that away.

I'm making little changes in my life to take care of myself, like putting in a mile or two on my treadmill every day.