When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

According to Lamarck, there was a force—the ‘power of life’—that pushed organisms to become increasingly complex.

Whenever God allows a mass blindness to cover his church, it is not out of stupidity, it is out of divine providence

The devil loves nothing better than the intolerance of reformers.

Americans' right to free speech should not be proportionate to their bank accounts.

Without the imaginative insight which goes with creative literature, history cannot be intelligibly written.

I'm trying to find new ways to make this game more attractive.

I know nothing of the science of astrology and I consider it to be a science, if it is a science, of doubtful value, to be severely left alone by those who have any faith in Providence.

It is the weak and confused who worship the pseudosimplicities of brutal directness.

I have reached a state in life where I can buy a whole house full of chairs and can bump into them until they are black and blue