When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

She's qualified all right. She understands robots like a sister—comes from hating human beings so much, I think.

She drifted down into the water, letting it engulf her body until even her face was underwater. The silence was delicious, just the sound of her own heartbeat in her ears.

I have more concern for my nephew's welfare than for Lannister pride.

It is simpler and easier to flatter men than to praise them.

I know what my limitations are as an actor, but my strength is putting myself into a well-written part. When I get in trouble is when I have to fix it, or when I have to carry it on personality.

How many times have I laughed at you telling me plainly that I was too lazy to be anything but a lawyer.

I'm grateful to have gone through so many different seasons of life because without those years of searching, I'd still have no idea who I am and what Andrew Ripp really has to say.

We seal our fate with the choices we make.

First person narrative is a very effective tool but you have to know as a writer how to make it work.

We're in a period where society seems very attracted to flash, and that seeps into people's musical taste.