When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Perhaps the most "spiritual" thing any of us can do is simply to look through our own eyes, see with eyes of wholeness, and act with integrity and kindness.

Satire is dependent on strong beliefs, and on strong beliefs wounded.

One has not lived until one has carried a sixty-pound dog down a sweeping flight of stairs at half-past V in the morning.

She used to say 'You can be whoever you want, even yourself'.... Yeah, I show up knowin exactly who I was and never leave as myself

"When in your life were you the most challenged?" I love to hear stories of adversity and how people overcome them.

Fear is a huge thing for older people.

The United States is absolutely the most dangerous country in the world.

Let freedom ka-ching...Corporations do everything people do except breathe, die and go to jail for dumping 1.3 million pounds of PCBs in the Hudson River.

Am I the only person in the world who is shocked and amazed at the ongoing flattery of uebergeek Mark Zuckerberg?

I'm excited about it, thrilled with the success thus far.