When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

Prayer should not be a structured and complicated conversation. It should be a simply and spontaneous conversation between heavenly Father and His sons and daughters.

And then it hits me like a fast, open-palmed, stinging smack in the face.Having a ghost boyfriend WASweird

It's a sad state when more people retweet than buy records.

I wear glasses, have a big scar, I sing loud, and I am blond. I'm sorry!

Having touched Christ's feet is not an excuse for punctuation mistakes.

The Only Thing More Surprising Than the Chance She's Taking... Is Where It's Taking Her.

Genius does not seem to derive any great support from syllogisms. Its carriage is free; its manner has a touch of inspiration. We see it come, but we never see it walk.

To lodge all power in one party and keep it there is to insure bad government and the sure and gradual deterioration of the public morals.

Stories help me. To live. To work. To find the meaning hidden in every dream, ever leaf, every drop of dew.

It's a great day for TWA.