When NBC told me I got the job, I asked, 'Can we do it from New York?' There was just silence on the phone

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Our country in general assumes that "the pursuit of happiness" really means "the pursuit of pleasure" and that therefore pleasure is the greatest good.

Yet if he would man cannot live all to this world. If not religious he will be superstitious. If he worship not the true God he will have his idols.

What was past was past. I suppose that was the general attitude.

When you know you have a certain amount of work to finish, you just don't allow yourself to get sick again.

He who has seen present things has seen all, both everything which has taken place from all eternity and everything which will be for time without end; for all things are of one kin and of one form.

I get more anxious than nervous before a concert.

In any group of people, no matter how hard-assed they might appear, there’s always a geek.

They [men and women] have both been, and men especially, have been told that how they naturally are is bad.

To know that you are a prisoner of your mind is the dawn of wisdom.