When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show.

But the mechanics of learning to 'throw your voice' are pretty simple. Anyone with a tongue, an upper palate, teeth, and a normal speaking voice can learn ventriloquism.

As humans we like to laugh at our fears, we like to whistle in the dark.

A comedian needs to have his own filters, needs to know his audience, how far he can push things.

I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Everybody has their favorite character.That's the only way I pick, whatever is going on in society, whatever I think folks will laugh at that's what I come up with.

I started in a business background, but then it was like, 'you know, I can't do math,' so I changed it to a liberal arts degree and got my Bachelor of Arts in Communications and it made sense.

I've got an answer to where Osama bin Laden is and I know, he's dead and living in my suitcase with my dummies.'

I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.

You never know how long your fifteen minutes of fame is going to last.

Do we really think that a government-dominated education is going to produce citizens capable of dominating their government, as the education of a truly vigilant self-governing people requires?

Campaign promises are - by long democratic tradition - the least binding form of human commitment.

That out of sight is out of mind is true of most we leave behind.

A good leader inspires people to have confidence in the leader, a great leader inspires people to have confidence in themselves.

I am a hole in a flute that the Christ's breath moves through. Listen to this music.

We know the utility of prayer from the efforts of the wicked spirits to distract us during the divine office; and we experience the fruit of prayer in the defeat of our enemies.

It is an invention of the devil, an infernal falsity for the destruction of all Christianity.

Freedom means the right to be stupid.

I think it's fun playing a part that lots of other people have played, in a way.

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