When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

False judges are held up in the world’s admiration and I alone know the true ones.

A civilization is not destroyed by wicked people it is not necessary that people be wicked but only that they be spineless.

With God, a mountain before me is soon to be a memory behind me.

Never give a person a piece of your mind when all you really wanted to do was give them a piece of your heart.

I think it’s easyto confuse love with other things.Lust, for one. Need, for another

I think to make any relationship work it just takes a tremendous amount of effort and accepting of one another.

Anytime I can get either of them really laughing, I immediately pull out a pad of paper write the joke down, regardless of where we are or what we're doing. I must be absolutely insufferable.

When your focus is social change and not financial change why wouldn't you want to share that openly? Innovation only succeeds when it's shared.

I love furniture. And I thought, why are we not seeing who's making the cool new coffee table and these new designs that come out?

Bread is the king of the table and all else is merely the court that surrounds the king. The countries are the soup, the meat, the vegetables, the salad, but bread is king.