When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

...a deep and even paranoid suspicion continues to disparage higher criticism of the Bible, as if someone could publish a paper that would unravel God. (p. 151)

You'd be surprised what poison is often hidden in the most beautiful camouflage.

You have to relax, write what you write. It sounds easy but it's really, really hard. One of the things it took me longest to learn was to trust the writing process.

Perhaps there are just some things you leave behind when you choose a new life.

I keep expectations so embarrassingly low that I broke my contract and went and got a hair-cut.

...at times, the greatest courage of all is to live.

If you get up on stage and brag, I don't think that's very brave. It's braver to get up and take your clothes off. And I do that every night.

There's something rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet says...it's payback time!

Painting pictures didn't make me a lot of money. I have to eat.

If they just carried on like always, everything would be ok.