When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Kill the fears before they endorse your failures. When you attempt to stop the terrorist at the time he's at work, you are too late!

Wonderful to see with the whole family. It's like travelling from dynasty to dynasty, from one Chinese region to another.

A leader shapes and shares a vision, which gives point to the work of others.

The only people who put iced tea in Jack Daniel's bottles is the Clash baby!

I would bend the knee before the poorest scavenger, the poorest untouchable in India for having participated in crushing him for centuries; I would even take the dust off his feet.

I make no bones about it. I have no understanding of pastry.

I felt that with each movie, Gary [Ross] adopts a different style. He doesn't have one look that's the Gary Ross look, and I thought that was important.

Ruthless striving, overcomes everything.

You the one that I dream about all day. You the one that I think about always. You are the one so I make sure I behave! My love is your love, your love is my love.

The old Lie:Dulce et decorum est Pro patria mori.